What's true in this slogan
Fair play. Before I dig in - you have to admit there's something real in it.
You can choose how you respond. Viktor Frankl wrote about this under conditions I have absolutely no right to complain about by comparison. In "Man's Search for Meaning" he described the freedom to choose one's attitude even in the most extreme circumstances. Between stimulus and response there is a space. That's not bullshit. That's one of the few things we genuinely control even in the hardest circumstances.
You can choose what you learn. Nobody will install competencies in you. You can decide where you invest time and attention - at least partly. That's real too.
You can decide who you say "no" to. Boundaries - a topic for a separate article - but yes, here you have more agency than you think. Not full agency. But real agency.
These aren't empty words. If someone uses this slogan to say: "you have a zone of influence, you're not completely helpless" - that's valuable. Needed. Sometimes life-giving.
The problem starts when someone adds "100%."
What the slogan doesn't say - the diner, not Netflix
"Every moment is a consequence of your choice."
If that were a hundred percent true - I'd have a six-pack, passive income, and December in Portugal. Seriously. I genuinely wanted those things. Clearly, wanting isn't enough.
But beyond my personal example...
A life metaphor: often we "choose" from a menu someone else put together for us. This isn't Netflix with an infinite library. It's a diner with a chalkboard on the wall. There are options. But the owner decided what goes on that board. And sometimes the owner changes the board in the middle of your meal.
What goes into the "board"?
- Place of birth. Being born into a wealthy family in Scandinavia vs. being born in a small town in 1985 to a sick mother - those are two different starting kits. You didn't choose either.
- Health. Chronic illness, various neurodivergences, physical limitations - these narrow the "menu" in ways no affirmation can overcome.
- Systems and historical timing. The job market, economic crises, corruption, access to education, politics - these are structural constraints. They exist regardless of your willpower.
- Other people's decisions. The company's decision to cut headcount. A partner's decision to end the relationship. The government's decision to raise taxes. Your life is made up of the consequences of other people's choices to an... uncomfortably large degree.
Your life is a mix. Of your decisions, other people's decisions, chance, context, and constraints. In different proportions at different moments.
The guilt trap
This is the heart of this article. And here it gets serious.
If you genuinely believe that everything - absolutely everything - is a consequence of your choices... then for everything you had no control over, you take responsibility. And responsibility without influence only has one shape. Guilt.
This mechanism has a name in psychology. In ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - the distinction between what you can control and what you can only accept is one of the fundamental tools. Not to put agency to sleep - but to stop wasting energy fighting a reality you cannot change.
I've seen this a few times working with leaders.
One example. A manager, let's call him Mark, had two years of a difficult project ending in failure behind him. The project collapsed for three reasons: shifting board priorities, the departure of key people for external reasons, and - yes - a few of his own bad decisions. Roughly a 60/40 split unfavorable to external factors.
Mark came to coaching in a state of chronic burnout, convinced he had "failed." Because it was his life - his decisions. So his fault.
We spent a lot of time on the distinction: what was within his zone of influence and what wasn't. Not to remove his responsibility for things he genuinely should own. But so he would stop taking responsibility for a tsunami he didn't cause.
That kind of work - separating influence from helplessness - is one of the more valuable things you can do in coaching and in leadership.
The honest version of the slogan
How would that sentence read if it were honest?
Not: "Your life is your decision."
More like: "You have a zone of influence. It's real. It doesn't cover everything - but it matters and it's worth working with."
In coaching this translates into a concrete exercise: before you start acting, make the distinction. What's in your circle of influence? What's outside it? On the first - act. On the second - accept or adapt.
Practically: draw two circles. In the inner one - what you can change or influence. In the outer one - what happens regardless of you. This isn't an exercise in pessimism. It's an exercise in honesty - and in directing your energy where it makes sense.
In leadership: a leader who takes responsibility for external factors they can't control burns out fast. And paradoxically - becomes less effective in the areas that genuinely are within their reach.
The slogan "your life = your decision" in the 100% version doesn't motivate. It burdens.
Coaching Bullshit says: "Every moment is a consequence of your choice."
Reality says: "You have a zone of influence - and it's real. But your life is also a consequence of other people's decisions, chance, and the structures you inherited. Clarity about that distinction is more valuable than a nice quote."
One question to close
Where do you actually make decisions... and where are you just absorbing the consequences of someone else's?